June 8, 2017


if only you understand.

p/s: only to illustrate, of course i prayed to Allah instead. tee-hee.

June 7, 2017

spektrum yang kelabu dan persoalan retorikal

yesterday i injured my weaker arm again, after falling (surprised?) sprayed on the ground, due to misstep and slippery walkway. injury is nearby the spot it has been previously fractured. now it is swollen and is partially useless. my feet is a pain to walked on too.

hello again to driving with only one arm. i should qualify to some award for this feat. 

adding salt to injury, the attitude my car displayed is frustrating, keeps refusing to start at the first 10 tries. albeit perfectly fine battery.

remembering previous injury which was 10x more painful and tear inducing, it brings me into a reflection that some pains are more tolerable than others. you have to accept it no matter what. 

the same is with life. there are lines. in life, there are plenty of fine lines. some lines, when crossed, will bring pain to you or those who matters. but how far can you cross it without inflicting pain on yourself (or others)? and how deep can the pain

in between what's right, or what is wrong.

in between deciding, whether something is still worth fighting for, or it's time to let go.

in between acceptance of abused trust and the motives behind it, or just walking away.

you have to learn how to accept and choose your destiny, because sometimes, you can only do so much about it.

and someone once told me, always be the water that softens the stone, over time. be like the sea of Galilee. it gives and lives.

May 22, 2017


i do wonder if anyone is still reading this dusty old blog. have pretty much been posting what's inside my heart rather than useful things or trying to inspire others to chase their dream, or being a feminist. (no worries, very much still a feminist with a something's gotta give flair)

(ok fine, there was only 2 new posts for the past 3 years.)

ramadhan is nearing so it's that time of the year again! the last time i lost 7 kg and never gain it back. and with current state of affairs, it will probably be difficult to maintain a healthy BMI. adds into the equation some serious lost of appetite and boom, let's see how this goes. hopefully my heart can come out stronger than its pre-ramadhan state. 

you can see how much sense i'm making. also i was re-reading some of the old posts here and trying not to crawl under the blanket, for some aspirations that are still hanging around, waiting for me to shine it again and again. also noticed some grave grammatical mistakes i cannot forgive my past self for. who am i kidding, I still couldn't accept myself for the caption that reads 'picture is tooken with yuin's camera's.' i mean dib, is tooken even a legitimate word any self respecting person would ever be caught dead writing? (my past self apparently, thinks it is)

i'm ending this post with another watery things I read today, cause, just because. it's a wonderdul feeling to rediscover beauty in a language you loved so very much, and i thank, applaud and support every aspiring Malay writers who are elegant and eloquent with words. each one of them, in their very own way is trying to put 'izzah back in our national language again.

"begitulah, kita sering dipatah-patahkan oleh orang yang paling kita cintai dan besok, sembuhnya juga kerana dia."

baca prosa penuh di pautan di bawah:


February 28, 2017


aku ingin berjalan bersamamu
dalam hujan dan malam gelap
tapi aku tak bisa melihat matamu

aku ingin berdua denganmu
di antara daun gugur
aku ingin berdua denganmu
tapi aku hanya melihat keresahanmu

aku menunggu dengan sabar
di atas sini, melayang-layang
tergoyang angin, menantikan tubuh itu

aku ingin berdua denganmu
di antara daun gugur
aku ingin berdua denganmu
tapi aku hanya melihat keresahanmu

-payung teduh

February 25, 2017

cinta itu perhambaan

last night i dreamt of you again. you were wearing a soft green shirt, you came back from somewhere, and you came to me and lie down beside me..

i don't think we talked..i just remembered watching you resting with a smile on your face, looking serene...and i was holding your arm, and then i woke up from my sleep...

in a split second, the pain begins to sets in again.

October 13, 2014

eh, kau ni gelap la!

some months ago, i went into a beauty parlor for hair treatment. while i was in there, the lady behind the counter looked at me strangely, and she started to go through some of the products on the shelves, and bingo!, she presented me with a cream.

lady: this is a famous whitening cream in pakistan. it's all the rage there.

me: *solemnly looks at the poorly packaged product*

L: you will see the result just after 1 week of using it. your skin will be much fairer and *bla bla bla*

me: yeah, let me take a look first.

L: please do. one bottle costs only rm100+ and we will return you the money if you don't see any result. this product is rarely sold here,
consider yourself lucky that i'm introducing you to this wonderful beauty miracle.

me: *ugh, rm100 for such suspicious item. it's probably arsenic and corrosive! and the packaging looks like it cost only rm10!*

no, i don't think i want it.

L: why? you should try it! for God's sake you are dark!

me: nope, not for me, thanks.

*leaves shop*

so i was irritated. i find it absolutely annoying when people like this woman here think the everyone who are naturally dark-skin MUST WANT to lighten them up via any methods possible. even if it can harm your skin and health. this is not my first encounter of course, and probably won't be my last.

it is sickening to see the way beauty are measured these days. as if you are less of a person if you didn't meet the certain standard set by the society. i'm not going to elaborate on that further, for there are plenty of reading materials out there that condemns the way beauty are measured.

while some drastic measures like taking yourself under the knives to appear aesthetically better have yet to truly take off in malaysia, the way whitening products are sought after in this country is fascinating (given that, most malaysian are actually fair, and, they want to be, uh..fairer?).

why don't you consume health products instead, eh?

in the meantime, the only thing gals who don't possess white, fair or dewy complexion can do is hang in there, and beat the stigma by being purely awesome and kind.

trust me you don't need friends or spouses who only wants you for your fair skin.


May 26, 2013

individualism vs selfishness

have you realize that one of the hardest thing to change is one's sense of selfishness?

we live in a society where people are getting more and more selfish by the day. 'I' should always come first before anyone or anything else. it is but rare if you met a man who will put others benefits before himself nowadays.

i am not saying that i am any different from other people. i am exactly that kind of person when the situation suits me. you see, this attitude has been perceived as normal even acceptable nowadays. the community surrounding you conforms to your demand, rather than you conforming to the society demand. people don't usually say much or question young people who act selfishly. they will rather put themselves on their understanding self and tolerate this ridiculousness.

you want examples?

the Gen-Y neighbour who absent minded-ly blast his radio at midnight when the family next door is trying to get their rest.

the young woman standing in line to pay for some groceries, who blissfully ignores the elderly behind her who can barely stand still while waiting to pay at the cashier.

the youngster who throws rubbish at the roadside because there will be a cleaner whose job is to clean the street.

the parent who thinks his child will never do any wrong and blames the teacher instead.

the flatmate who thinks it's not his job to clean that one extra plate in the sink.

the person who thinks he is the only busy person in the world and the next person is not significant?

do you think modernization is the breeding ground for this behavior? and is individualism just another euphemism for selfishness?

p/s: writing is a bit unpolished. do drop your comments! :)